As the weather gets warmer and you’re finally able to brush off the grossness of winter for the next few months, you’ll hopefully find yourself getting out and about and meeting actual human beings (read: women) instead of binge watching Downton Abbey. (Wait, you actually watch that show?) However, while doing so can increase your odds of getting laid, those will plummet if you’re not careful about how much ball sweat and stickiness is going on down there. And the aftermath — dealing with the painfulness of chafing — is even worse.
A guaranteed way to prevent chafing is to be a lazy blob and use a Segway to stroll around. That’ll eliminate friction, but will also be an impractical thing to pull off for guys who like to exercise or jog or who wouldn’t just allow hoard of flesh-eating zombies to gnaw his face off when the living dead take over the earth. Good thing are more practical ways to get rid of the chafe, the first being something you can most likely use anyway …
#1. Get Synthetic Undies
Once your SWASS kicks up, the cotton will sop up the moisture and remain wet. Not great for the skin on your thighs. Instead, opt for synthetic boxers or compression shorts. Tommy John’s Second Skin Trunk ($30 @ Amazon.com) are 90 percent micro modal and 10 percent Spandex. In other words, they’re soft and stretchy and can help you stay dry while warding off chaffing. They also feature a quick-draw fly for easy access to your watering hose. And yeah, $30 is expensive for boxers but trust us — you (and your nuts) will not be sorry you made the investment. (Saxx brand boxers and boxer briefs are another worthwhile option.)
#2. Lube Up
Not that way, perv. But rubbing a little bit of petroleum jelly — aka Vaseline — on your skin can reduce friction and enable clothing to glide across your skin instead of rubbing up against it. A less greasy option is to use Gold Bond Friction Defense ($5 @ Amazon.com). Rub it on just like you would deodorant and it’ll moisturizes as it cuts back on friction between fabric and skin. Apply under your arms, under your coin purse, or under your honches — use it all over.
#3. Use This Ball Cream
Blue Steel Sports Anti-Chafe Cream ($17 @ Amazon.com) is an option for endurance athletes to keep their nips and nuts from getting raw, the non-staining formula relies on Australian Tea Tree Oil to keep skin feeling fresh and to prevent chafing and infection. It also provides a valid excuse if you’re caught fondling yourself.
#4. Or This Ball Cream
You can also rub cream on your balls to lube ’em up. Free of harmful additives like aluminum and parabens, Fresh so Dry Fresh Balls ($20 for a 2-pack @ Amazon.com) is also antibacterial. It’ll eliminate the stickiness or wetness so no “crotch rot” occurs.
#5. Or Use These Ball Wipes
If you want to stay away from creams or balms, check out Dude Wipes ($10 @ Amazon.com). The name is as awful as it gets, but the wipes — they’re just like a wet wipe, except for your sack — but vitamin E and aloe in them can keep skin moisturized and healthy; when you’re done, flush ’em down the toilet.
#6. Untuck Your Shirt
Relax a little, dude. Untucking your shirt doesn’t just make you look like less of a stiff, it can also prevent your pits and sack from sweating their uh, balls off.